Shello, and welcome to MUTHR week! That’s right—I’m giving us a whole week!
MUTHR, FCKD is going into overdrive to give all of you MUTHRS your FCKing flowers. In fact, here are some lilacs, fresh from my garden.
Can you smell ‘em?
Note: Being a MUTHR has nothing to do with whether or not you’ve chosen to breed. It has to do with what you do to care for others, be it as a nurturing friend, mentor, drag mother, or whatever.
So, on this holy MUTHR Monday, I bring you what MUTHRs REALLY want for MUTHR’s Day. If you like my suggestions, feel free to share the wisdom below with your minions.
Here goes:
Sleep
On this day of all days, don’t you FCKing dare wake MUTHR up until she’s good and ready. She must rise out of her slumber naturally. MUTHR will never forget this cruel infraction. It’s bad karma you’ll pay for—and dearly. We are not above rick-rolling you when you’re hungover.
Coffee In Bed
Upon first yawn and stretch, MUTHR should be presented with coffee (or preferred morning beverage) made just the way she likes it, along with a loving greeting to usher her into what’s sure to be a great day. Because you’ll make it that way.
Peace
Whatever domestic conflict might have permeated your life and household, put that shit on pause until after MUTHR’s Day. We don’t care if you bore holes in your teeth from grinding them. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, ask or make MUTHR mediate or engage in any emotional labor whatsoever. Labor is work and today is our day off.
And if they know what’s good for them, Kendrick Lamar and Drake better cool out next Sunday, too.
Props
You can give your MUTHR all the gifts in the world but nothing beats acknowledgment and recognition of how she supports you tirelessly every goddamn day. Be your accolades written or spoken, use actual words to express your gratitude—don’t expect even the most stoic of MUTHRs to just know how much you value them. Spare no graphic detail. MUTHRing is a labor of love that deserves lots of demonstrative love in return.
Undisputed Mastery of the Remote Control
A formal ceremony should take place where the remote control is wrapped with a ribbon and bequeathed to the honored MUTHR in question. Your Disney Channel/Netflix horror/sports self-soothing can wait for another weekend when there are two brand new Hacks eps and Baby Reindeer to stream!
Thoughtful Gifts
If prezzies are in the budget and on the agenda, be sure to invest in gifts your MUTHR will actually like and use. Flowers are nice, but they die. Grabbing an 11th hour Hallmark whatever you can find at the mall or candy at the bodega just proves you don’t know the woman at all, or feel she is worth your forethought. Domestic tools, unless she says she wants them, are a big fat no, no, as is anything played or trite you can get from a women’s magazine suggestion list.
The possibilities are endless: Concert tix! Nail salons! Tarot readings (I sometimes do those, inquire within)! Spa days! Gift cards to splurge spots! A book catering to her interests, along with three unmolested hours to read it! If your online order won’t make it on time, stick a printout of the item you ordered in the card.
How about experiences? What’s her favorite restaurant? Who is her favorite visual artist and where is there a show? Is there a game she might be into? Is there a favorite author of hers on book tour you could take her to? Is she game to try a silent disco? A real disco? Whatever she’s into, make sure you have plans in place to do that.
One of my favorite MUTHR’s Days involved a Brooklyn brunch and a visit to a David Sedaris book signing, where Hubs dutifully wrangled our young kids for a couple of hours so I could meet the man and thank him for his service. As he autographed my book, he said he’d been on Perc’s while recovering from emergency abdominal surgery. Having had more than my post-surgical share, I told him the shit he would eventually take was inevitably hardening into a diamond and he cracked up. Making David Sedaris laugh was a wonderful MUTHR’s Day gift.
Here’s a good hint if you’re stuck: Steal MUTHR’s phone for a second and see what the algorithm is trying to push her way. She might even have a few items in the cart you could snag without knowing. Slick!
Thoughts in General
Got no money for gifts? Time is the most valuable gift of all. Do something MUTHR loves to do without bitching or complaints. Fix MUTHR’s fave foods. Write a love letter, detailing a wonderful shared memory. Make some arts and crafts. Print out a picture of the two of you together (and make sure MUTHR looks hot). And for chrissakes, gush on IG about them (again, make sure MUTHR looks hot). For all the invisible labor they do for you, the key is to make MUTHR feel SEEN.
Don’t Fucking Touch Your Phone
IDGAF if work is blowing up, or your crush or best friend is on fire. MUTHR’s Day lasts only 24 hours, 12-15 of which you’ll spend in MUTHR’s company so look alive. Unless you’re going to post a gushing tribute to your MUTHR, BE in her company. Engage in conversation. You can escape the room via that little Apple-made dictator the other 364 days of the year.
Well MUTHRs, did I forget anything on your wish list? Please feel free to comment below! And tune in super soon for an exclusive 5 Burning Q’s with the lovely author Taleen Voksuni about her new book, Lavash At First Sight!
MWAH! xx
This post is PERFECT!! HMD friend! 🌷🎶💜
You made David FCKing Sedaris laugh. You can retire now, your work is done.