On The Excruciating Discomfort Of Watching Baby Reindeer

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I’m normally an early adopter of all things Netflix but must admit that a recent wave of peer pressure drove me to Baby Reindeer. It became impossible to ignore the rousing chorus of people on my feeds struggling to process the emotionally and physically violent intricacies of the Netflix limited series. Harrowingly enough, writer/comedian/actor Richard Gadd developed this series based on events that took place in his life. In a GQ profile, Gadd said he wrote Baby Reindeer “after six years of paranoia, 41,071 emails, 744 tweets, and 350 hours of voicemail.”

I’m hardly alone: According to Netflix, the runaway hit has been viewed more than 56 million times. If you’re one of the few who has yet to see it, here’s a brief synopsis: Donny Dunn, a flailing comedian bartender who lives with his ex-girlfriend’s mother, is stuck in a rut perpetuated by a misfortunate few years. When Martha, an older, sad, clearly ‘off’ woman walks into his bar and looks up at him with adoration, the kindness and empathy he serves to comfort her along with a cuppa positions him as her next unrequited fixation and much darkness ensues. By the way, Martha, played by Jessica Gunning, deserves all the awards in the world for her incredible performance.

Throughout the next six episodes, all hell breaks loose. Every time Donny gives Martha an inch, she takes a mile—just as a bonafide stalker would. Completely deluded about their relationship, she bombards him with emails, shows up at his home and his comedy gigs, follows him, responds to his ‘never come near me again’ boundary by camping out at the bus stop outside of his home, and harassing everyone around him.

Baby Reindeer really fucks with your head. It’s an unflinching examination of mental illness and the residual stains of abuse told by subverting ancient gender norms in a deftly crafted psychological thriller—refreshing with the endless Hollywood rote of slash-and-grab films. The plot constantly calls into question how Donny’s empathy toward Martha, and the dissolution of boundaries he allows because of his empathy, eggs her on. According to a study cited in Psychology Today, this display of empathy can easily backfire, intensifying a strong traumatic bond between the victim and his/her abuser.

In the GQ interview, Gadd recalls: “I was dealing with someone who was vulnerable, somebody who was mentally ill, someone who couldn’t stop because they believed what was in their head.” He also comments about how abused people can feel like they need their abusers. “It was showing an element of abuse that hadn’t been seen on television before, which is, unfortunately, the deeply entrenched, negative, psychological effects of attachment you can sometimes have with your abuser.”

Among so many things, this show is meant to catalyze us to examine how hurt people hurt people, the beauty and danger of forging connections, and the impact of boundaries on our parasocial relationships. This might make it hard to sit with: On a recent Watch What Happens Live, actor/podcaster Casey Wilson and host Andy Cohen admitted they felt the show was too scary to watch.

We all need to be seen and acknowledged, especially in our pain, yet that pain can drive us to fragment and hide our true selves—even from ourselves. When Donny sees a visibly lost and downtrodden Martha belly up to his bar he sees a version of himself, lonely and longing to be seen. She waxes on and on about being a busy, successful lawyer, which at one point, was true. In turn, Donny falls for an “ideal woman” he meets online, a trans therapist named Teri, who falls for the fake masc version of himself he presented online. Though she eventually encourages him to reveal his true self in many ways, every interaction of theirs is fraught with fear for her—not just at the hands of Martha—but at Donny’s hands, as well. Eventually, as the unbearable tension between Donny and Martha escalates and culminates, Donny is forced to reckon with the true source of shame and the pain he kept hidden from the world.

What’s wild is, Gadd’s personal boundaries have further eroded since the show’s release. The New York Times reports the series has “spawned an army of amateur detectives,” mini parasocial stalkers if you will, dedicated to figuring out who in Gadd’s life the series might be based on. He has since suffered his share of online abuse himself, and Netflix officials are being questioned about the streamer’s “duty of care” by a British lawmaker.

Interestingly enough, the real-life Martha, a woman called Fiona Harvey, is doing the rounds of the British press trying to discredit Gadd. “The internet sleuths tracked me down and hounded me and gave me death threats so it wasn’t really a choice,” Harvey told Piers Morgan. “I was forced into this situation.” Meanwhile, Gadd has asked would-be internet investigators to ease up, as it defeats the point: “Please don’t speculate on who any of the real-life people could be. That’s not the point of the show.”

Well? Have you seen it? What are your thoughts about Baby Reindeer? Let me know in the comments below!

And good MUTHR’s DEE weekend to you!

xo